What to write: the four things that matter
- That you heard, simply: “I heard about Giulio and I’m thinking of you.”
- The person’s name: writing it says they were someone to you, not “the loss”.
- A memory, if you have one: a phrase, a gesture, a moment together.
- Support with no strings attached: “No need to reply.” People who are grieving receive many messages.
Short examples, for a card or a message
“Our deepest condolences to you and the whole family. We are thinking of you.”
“I’m so sorry about your mum. Sending you a big hug.”
“Thinking of you all in these days. We remember Giulio with great affection.”
“There are no right words. Just know I’m here, for anything.”
More personal examples
For a friend: “I heard about your dad. I keep thinking of the evenings he waited up for us and made us tea: that was him, always looking after everyone. I’m here for you, call me whenever you like, even just to sit in silence.”
For a colleague: “I’m very sorry for the loss of your wife. Take all the time you need: we’ll take care of things here.”
For a family you barely know: “I knew Mrs Maria from the Saturday market: she always had a kind word. My sincere condolences to the whole family.”
What is better avoided
- Sentences that explain the pain: “It’s for the best”, “She’s not suffering anymore”, “It was her time”. Even when true, they can hurt.
- Comparisons with your own losses: a grieving person needs to be listened to.
- Questions about the cause or the last days.
- “Let me know if you need anything”: a concrete offer is better, “I’ll bring dinner tomorrow”, “I can pick up the children”.
Card, message or guest book
A handwritten card stays: people keep it and read it again over the years. A message works for those who are far away or for a first, immediate thought.
If the family has opened an online memorial page, you can leave your thoughts in the guest book: the family reads and approves them, and they stay there for others, with a photo if you have one.
Frequently asked questions
- When should I send condolences?
- As soon as you hear, or in the days of the funeral. But a message after a few weeks, when the messages thin out, is never too late.
- Do I write “condolences” or “deepest condolences”?
- Both are fine. “Deepest condolences” is the most common formula on cards; in a message to someone close you can simply write “I’m with you”.
- How do you reply to condolences?
- A simple “thank you for thinking of us” is enough, even weeks later. You can also thank everyone together with a card or a thank-you notice.
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